I've been doing so exceptionally good lately. In fact my own, depressed self has been so distant I mistook it for being gone entirely. And I have been so confident and so sure of all my actions it has almost been as if I was back to my normal self. But I realize I still have such a long way to go. And I think I only realized a few fractions of a second ago that I was expecting my life to become better instantly somehow. That a change would drastically increase my life quality.

Right now I feel nevrotic. I am so stressed. I know how to cope, sure. Fine, no problem. I'm working my way there. But still there is so much that needs to be done and I can't see the light in the end of the tunnel. If I dream myself away for a second and then slip back into reality - my life feels like a dark, looming shadow that embraces me. There's so much light ahead I think, I hope. And really that is my only hope.

Because I am so sad again. And I hate it so much. I don't want to be sad, I want to be able to handle everything. And I don't want to be frightened.

Hi.

I am sorry I haven't posted. I thought it all just became far too depressive, you see.

But I just realized something today. Something that's bothered me for such a long time, and I didn't really figure it out until today. Exactly how much I have changed just during the course of the last few years.

My mama once told me I was made out of stardust. That is probably the nicest thing she has ever said to me. And in retrospective I think that is the best way to describe the oomkin I once was! Really! I used to be colourful and bubbly ALL the time, and though I definitely had my share of downs, and I did stare into nothing for ages, I did. I was still this potato that could thrive everywhere and really enjoy life.

I understood this all now, because my cry-muscles have tickled literally all day, I mean it. Since this morning I've wanted to cry really bad. And that's not abnormal anymore at all. I don't cry as much as I once did, now I surpress it into a state where I just want to cry really bad, but refrain myself from doing it. It hurts, it does, but what can I do? Well what I thought was that I could think back to an earlier time, of what things I did to make myself happy. So that perhaps I could try to counteract the sadness by doing something that makes me happy. And I don't remember.

I don't know what makes me happy. I mean, eating gives me some kind of satisfaction, and I enjoy being with friends a lot. I like to laugh, I like things that glitter. But what makes me happy?

I don't know. Despite the fact that I'm so in love, and that I feel more complete in my heart than I have in three or four years, or maybe even ever. I have still lost the ability to be happy. And I don't understand. It really scares me. I have retracted into this passive vegetable, I guess compared to the Oomkin of the past - I am a ghost now.

... What am I going to do? I mean, I can start by drying the tears I guess.

Help me.

When I collapsed on the bed, after finally wiping most of the tears away, I could smell him on the sheets, and I lost control and I sobbed endlessly, and I just wanted him, more than ever, to be with me. And I don't know how I am supposed to hide all this sorrow and all this fright, and least of all I don't know how to do so over the course of this weekend.

It's just not fair. Why did I leave like that? Why? I, why?! I just feel like turning back, I want to run away. Why don't I? That is what I want to do! Run, now. No matter how wet and cold through the rain, that's irrelevant. Just so that I could hug him once more. Oh ... ... I am so alone. I. oh.

And I just left him standing there, and then left through the rain, crying and crying endlessly. And the moment I did, I regretted it, wishing he was there, wishing he could do something to chase the pain away. But I knew that would be a selfish thing to do. He would probably be gutted to see me in such pain. What could I do? I had to run away before he noticed. I wouldn't ever have done it because I don't trust him, because I do. I just don't want him to see me this way.

A complete wreck, curled up in the corner of my bed, shaking with fear, tears splashing down my face faster than I'm able to sob. I just want it to go away. I just want him here with me. Always. I just don't want to feel this way anymore.

Please, I. Please let me --- I just don't want to. Please...

AndI can feel it seeping in from a very distant place, but so quickly that only two thoughts have time to rush through my mind before it's too late: Should I be strong? - Or should I give in to it?

I give in to it.

And I start crying right away. A part of me so badly wants to, while as the other, still reluctant, tries to hold the river back. It's impossible.

And so the sadness win again. When I will ever have the strength to fight back?

I don't know.

(I cannot remember the date for when this happened, so I made it an estimate)

It turned out awful. Most of it. We had a date to meet up in the city and I call him on my way there. He was still asleep, the fact that he is, stings a little. I propose he get some more sleep, because I know he wont be useful company when he's tired. Of course he accepts, I knew he would and I understood and I agreed - hey, I even wanted him to sleep more. But all of this is irrelevant to how painfully lonely I suddenly feel. I am already gutted by the thought of strolling around town by myself, and I consider turning back. I could feel the day creeping in on me, vengeful for all the happiness I've ever had, I had no business being out in public when it would strike.

But alas I decided to continue my journey. I wandered aimlessly for an hour, looking at things in shops, though really not actually looking. I felt oddly distant to my sourroundings. But then, after fighting for so long, I break underneath it, text him that I'm going home and then start to cry. I put sunglasses on as I start rushing past people, the tears unstoppable. I am heading in the wrong direction, towards a park. Without even thinking I just curl up against a tree trunk and sob uncontrollably. Each and every one feels like a stab to the heart, or maybe a slash rather. Even after crying myself into a restless sleep I still feel as shook and sad as I did when it first began, it wouldn't get any better. I know I need to see someone that can help me, but I am too upset to go anywhere, and anyway I haven't told anyone about my state, how would they react if they saw me like that?

I realize that he's my only hope, and after sitting on a swing, concentrating not to cry for a while, I call him again and ask if I could come see him. He says yes, and as he does I instantly feel a rush of relief, but it's quickly replaced with worry. Of course he thought I was improving. If he see me having a fallback as extreme as this he'd obviously be very worried, so I decide not to tell him, and attempt to appear as normal as I can. Even though my make-up is halfway all over the place and my clothes are dirty from sleeping on the ground, I do my best.

So I walk to his place, and he locks me in, I try to stay cool but I realize I am unable to speak at all without my voice breaking, so I just curl up beside him, back against him on his bed. He senses something, but I try not to give in, I don't want him to worry, I just want it all to go away so we can think of something fun to do. My replies become snappy, and he wants to know what's wrong. I'm about to throw myself into his arms when the tears start streaming from my eyes, and I think I might still get away in time. I try to say that I just got to go, but it comes out slurred, and by the time I reach the door I am crying like someone just died.

For some reason I feel it's too late to go back to him, so I just tell him to go away as he attempts to stop me, and I rush away from his flat, down the stairs, my whole face just one, big and swollen tear machine. He struggles to follow me, but he needs to get some clothes on, so I get a head start. I hide on one of the verandahs a few stories down, and I hear him running past my floor, and all the way down to the street. He doesn't call my name or anything, he's too scared.

When he returns back upstairs, he calls me immediately. At first I have no intention of answering, but there was something about his voice when he tried to stop me, it makes me hesitate. And so I answer. He's really upset, of course, and he asks me what's wrong and why I'm being like this. I tell him it's just another sad day, he again urges me to come back upstairs, and he wants to know where I am. Between the sobs I tell him I wont tell him. I tell him that I don't want him involved in it, that I don't want him to be upset because I am upset. He rightfully tells me that he already his, the damage has been done. Most of the conversation I don't remember. I tell him I'll see him some other day, and I hang up. He's not pleased, but he's slightly calmed by the fact that I answered.

A few minutes later I start to crawl out from my hideout, but I instinctively climb back upstairs to him, and I knock, and it all happened in a blur that prevented me to think twice.

He is so glad to see me. I wont look him in the eyes, and as he embraces me, I start to cry even more, and he's so incredibly warm and he squeezes me, and the relief only makes me sadder. But he was there, and he calmed me down and protected me, and never in a million years will I be able to express my gratitude for his love that day.

I fell asleep in his arms, and after a while, he dozed off too. When I woke up I felt completely different. Replenished almost. I still looked a mess, but my entire state was something of a very different nature. I am just so glad to have him. When I left I sat on the tram and I thought of the horror it would be going through this awful ... whatever it is, all by myself.

When I come home I put on an irrelevant face, and I serve them some lies about what we'd spent the day doing. It never even crosses my mind to tell them the truth. But that's not the point of the story, the point is that I had managed to make at least some of the pain go away for a while, but it all caught up with me in the end. And even though that's horrible news for me, at least I have learnt that I need to be stronger now. It wont go away on its own.

Now that things seem to settle down a little (today has been a happy day!) it feels like a storm is building up and that all hell will be breaking loose. I need to be around someone tonight after work, if I'm not, I'll surely succumb to my own hopelessness and cry my brains out again. I can feel it.

In other news I have found a free therapist service through my school's student organization, I think if I'm not getting better soon I'm gonna go there and see if I can talk with someone. It's like; I'm sure this is going to blow over, but at the same time, even if it does - I never want to live knowing that this could possibly return. No way.

So I better step up and stop being such a baby about it. It is just that it feels so silly to be sad right now, maybe I'm just having unconventional moodswings?

I am definitely having a sad day today. I was feeling above average content, but then I got disappointed and I took it too personal and so I cried the entire way home. Now I feel terrible. Not only because I haven't finished being sad yet (there's loads more where that came from), but because I am sure (hoping) that I just took the situation the wrong way. But now it's yet again been triggered and everything else that's upset me the last period of time is now streaming down my face.

Today I have that really rare feeling that I just want to come clean and tell everybody how I really feel. Actually that's not rare, I don't think I have ever felt like that. It is just that I can't do it, even though it might help, both short term and long term, for me to have several people to lean on. I know I'm going to feel just too guilty and awful for being a bother and it's all stupid really.

Also I have an issue with music, yeah? It doesn't matter how upbeat and delightfully positive the music I listen to is, I'm still going to cry for hours.

...

I just want it to be over now, the rushing delight of getting it all out is long gone. It has all boiled down to excessive whimpering and a general miserable state. This is horrible.